Website Revamp and a Poem

Over the last two years, I’ve written a lot of content for this blog, and as I was rereading through it, I realized that I needed to organize it.

You’ll be able to find all my old content under the new pages I’ve created. All new content will appear first as a blog post, and then, at the end of each month, I will file all categorical content in its correct place.

The only exception to that is my writing. While I will post anything I write that I have written recently (i.e. in the current year) ,all the content I have written in the past will be automatically added to the relevant page.

With that out of the way, here is my most recent poem:

Emergence

They taught me trust was foolish

and, in my ignorance, I believed

them, and I pushed everyone—

and everything—away.

*

I even pushed myself out

of my own mind—conveniently

forgot that I was more than

just the flesh I wore.

*

I turned my mind into a refuge

because I only felt safe there.

Safe from the judgment and criticism

heaped upon me by the people who

were supposed to love me most.

*

I learned to see myself as less than.

Less than perfect, less than human.

Less than ever good enough.

I. Became. Worthless.

*

Even when the people around me

raved to me about my strength,

nowhere inside of me could I

believe they spoke the truth.

*

Their perception of my strength

warred against my vision of the

weakness serving to define me—

if only in my mind.

*

And, every day, I fought the desire

to give up, to let myself stop

caring, to let myself succumb

to the numbness I struggled

so hard to keep at bay.

*

Couldn’t they see the weakness

raging inside of me,

competing for the right to

be the victor of my insanity,

as I struggled to take a breath

that wasn’t filled with pain?

*

But no.

They couldn’t see.

*

Because they saw what I couldn’t.

They saw the truth of my strength and

the facade of my fears of being me.

*

And slowly–oh, so slowly–

I started to crawl out of

the cave inside myself where

I’d hid every part of myself

except my flaws and imperfections.

*

I began to see myself as more than the

nothing I’d created in my mind, and I

somehow managed to accept that

I had always been good enough.

That I had crafted delusions of ineptness

and forced myself to live by them.

And, for the first time, I didn’t feel ashamed.

*

Because I knew those delusions had

served to keep me safe from the

monsters who masqueraded as

my parents, who always failed

to love me the way a child deserves

to be loved.

*

They pushed me into believing that

I would never be good enough for

anyone to love because they

never loved me.

*

Or, if they did,

they loved me in a way

impossible to comprehend.

Screamed worthless and stupid

at me like endearments of affection,

so that I grew up feeling like a burden.

*

But the people who weren’t my family

coaxed me out into the open,

saw the truth of me in such a way

they made me see it, too.

*

They made me see the strength in

the way I refuse to let the past

define me, and the way I have

released the need to judge myself

for the things I could not control.

*

And I have learned to be good enough.

Now, even when I make mistakes, I can

let them go without calling myself worthless.

Because, for the first time in my life,

I. Am. Whole.

 

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